


so i can feel infinity

by makemelovely



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Gossip Girl
Genre: Angst, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, POV Third Person, Pining, aka season 1 gg, mean girls not gonna lie, teenagers are awful, young jenny so in her prime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-12-29 22:50:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12095160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: Dawn comes spinning into Jenny's life in a whirlwind of long brown hair and big blue eyes and shiny lip gloss. She took Jenny's hands and twirled her into a tornado before stepping back and surveying the damage.





	so i can feel infinity

It's not a Tuesday when a new girl arrives at Constance and sends the girls scattering after her but it is a Tuesday when Jenny finally gets to meet the new girl. She's fourteen (like Jenny!), and a brunette (not like Jenny.), and a genius. She's really smart which is odd because her skirt is short and her blouse is kind of see through and Jenny can clearly see her sky blue bra. It matches her eyes which are a lovely shade of blue. Her skin is a tad pale but she's got freckles all over and her brown hair is silky and straight and it falls down to her waist in a curtain of hair. She's tall and she's got hips and her lips are glossy. For some reason it makes Jenny hungry and she's not entirely sure for what.

/

Her name is Dawn and she smells like vanilla and oranges. Jenny kind of loves it.

/

Dawn is somehow miraculously invited to Blair's sleepover and she shows up with a pretty blonde girl who is too tan for the New York weather. She's wearing jeans and a nice sweater but her fingers are tapping in an annoyed fashion but her lips are smiling. Her eyes which are a pretty shade of green (Jenny's jealous. She wants to have green eyes too.) are observing everyone.

Jenny sees the moment Blair notices and Jenny flinches when her eyes go flinty and she sets her jaw. Blair stands up and swans over to the blonde, glaring without actually glaring. Jenny shivers, wondering if the room has gotten cold.

"The invitation was just for Dawn." Blair explains, shooting Dawn a look which makes Jenny's stomach twinge with sympathy.

The blonde simply raised an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. "Yeah, got that. I'm just making sure everything is safe." The blonde tells Blair, unapologetic.

"What, are you her mother?" Blair's voice is sarcastic and icy. Jenny almost didn't notice when the flash of pain bloomed in the blonde's eyes but she totally took notice when Dawn jerked back, her eyes filling with unshed tears.

"No." The word is simple but somehow the blonde has filled emotions that Jenny's never felt into it. She compacted sadness and anger and regret into a snowball and let it tumble out of her mouth without a thought. It falls apart in the air, dispersing quietly without a sound. Jenny cringes away, covering her stomach in an effort to shield herself.

Blair's eyebrows furrow and her eyes are angry because Blair hates when she doesn't know something. It eats her up inside and sucks all the strength from her bones. Blair thrives when she's informed, when she's prepared. She always has.

The blonde pulls Dawn into her arms, face soft and eyes shadowed with something Jenny doesn't recognize. "Rule one." The blonde murmurs, grip tightening. It looks painful but Dawn doesn't flinch.

"Rule one." Dawn replies, gently tucking a strand of blonde hair behind the girl's ear. Her eyes are so very blue and Jenny thinks they're matching. It makes Jenny's heart clench and her smile spreads across her face without her consent. Jenny doesn't mind.

The blonde leaves, and Dawn shifts awkwardly for a moment before Jenny reaches forward. Jenny's fingers lock around Dawn's and she looks. She looks and looks into blue eyes until she's not sure if she's looking at Dawn or herself.

Dawn squeezes her hand and uses the other to flip long, long hair over her shoulder.

*

This is where the night splits. One way goes with a girl with blue eyes and a sharp smile. Her eyes are filled to the brim with ambition and cunning. She is sly and her lips are shiny. Just like the apple that Eve ate. It draws you in and slithers its way to your soul. It will damn you or save you. You don't get to decide.

The other way goes with a girl with blue eyes and a certain smile. Her eyes glint with awareness and the absolute certainty that she knows more than you. Her hands are cold and her hair is cascading down her back. Her eyes are alight with fire and there is no flame strong enough to extinguish it. It will burn you down or give you an opportunity to rebuild you. You don't get to decide.

*

One way goes with Jenny Humphrey who drinks a martini and does her hair and make up and wants to kiss a girl so badly. She is also the one who slips into the bathroom only to get a guy's tongue down her throat. It's awkward and weird and strange but Jenny thinks she likes it. Jenny dances wildly and beams at Blair and calls a man's girlfriend to tell her all about the fact that he's a cheating dick. She breaks her friend out of a mental hospital and talks her way out of jail and ends up the winner of the whole night. It feels like something.

The other way goes with Dawn Summers who stares into the shadowy corners with narrowed eyes and clenches her fists every time they walk by an alleyway. She kisses a girl and talks about the first girl she kissed. Her name was Ally and Dawn didn't like her very much. Or at all. Dawn swipes seven wallets and three watches but her stomach churns with guilt and she almost doesn't do it but in the end she does.

If Jenny's smile turns a little savage as the night goes on, nobody will notice. Nobody will say anything.

If Jenny's eyes linger on Dawn a little too long, nobody will comment. Nobody will see it.

If Dawn's hips start swaying a little more, nobody will notice. Nobody will say anything.

If Dawn's smile curves into something a lot like freedom, nobody will comment. Nobody will see it.

*

It's at school the next day that Jenny realizes she wants to be in love with Dawn. She thinks she might already be in love with Dawn, at least a little bit. She sees the spot at Blair's feet, a golden opportunity if Jenny's ever seen one. Blair looks at her, brown eyes calculating and lips tilted in an inviting way. It's Blair's way of telling her that this is Jenny's spot, should she take it. Jenny wants too. Oh, how her legs itch to carry her higher.

Instead, she falls next to Dawn, knees bumping Dawn's giant blue backpack with patches all over it. The one that catches her eye is a handmade one, probably crafted with not only skill but with love. It's of Dawn, her face serious and her lips set in an almost stern expression. Her eyes are wide, though, wide and they look a little frightened. A little fearful. Dawn's pretty blue eyes aren't even blue in this patch. They are a bright, brilliant green. Her skin looks like it's crackling with green energy. It's strange to see the contrast.

"It's lovely, isn't it?" Dawn muses, brushing her thumb against the patch fondly.

"Yeah." Jenny swallows, forcing the lump in her throat down. She can feel Blair's eyes on her, burning her. Melting her. Stripping Jenny down until she is nothing but blood and bones and muscle. "Yeah." Jenny tries again, her voice clear as she repeats herself.

"My friend Willow made it for me." Dawn glances up, her eyes flashing with something Jenny thinks is pain but it's gone before Jenny can really make an analysis. "It's an inside joke." Dawn explains.

Jenny's eyes flick over Dawn's body, taking in her stiff posture and tap, tap, tapping fingers. "You don't think it's funny." Jenny observes.

Dawn shrugs delicate shoulders and leans back to look at Blair. "What's the plan for tonight?" Dawn inquires, blinking long lashes at the lone figure at the top of the Met Steps.

Blair's lips quirk into a pleased smile and she tilts her head, allowing strands of wavy brown hair slide against her porcelain skin. "I'm glad you asked." Her smile says obey me, her posture says queen, but her eyes don't say anything. No, her eyes are just wild and desperate and sharp. It reminds Jenny of a shark.

*

 

The first time they kiss is everything. It is perfection at its finest. It is Jenny with a crown on her head and Dawn with her fingers in Jenny's hair.

Jenny just pushed Blair from the throne and took her crown for herself. She had muttered in Dawn's ear to meet her in the hallway and Dawn had agreed. Jenny had finally had the confidence to tell Dawn how she felt because nothing could spoil her mood. Her crown isn't as heavy as Blair described in drunken ramblings on the phone and Dawn looks gorgeous in her short plaid skirt and white blouse and knee high socks. It's a schoolgirl fantasy come to live and damn if it isn't hot as hell.

Dawn had followed her out and she had opened her mouth to say something but Jenny grabs her wrist and drags her to a stairwell where Jenny told Nate about Chuck and swiped Blair's crown. It makes her hot as hell and she squirms a little before Dawn opens her mouth again, lips sticky with gloss and they look so inviting. Jenny slinks forward, caging Dawn in and then she's kissing her. Jenny is kissing Dawn and she is responding, lips sliding against lips and a tongue tentatively peeking out. Jenny opens her mouth and sweeps her tongue against Dawn's. It should seem sloppy (which it isn't) and wet (which it is) but it just seems like the clouds have parted and the sun is shining.

Jenny pulls away, her lips twitching into a smile she can't contain. Her eyes are wide and her heart is beating really fast in her chest. It feels like she could explode into a beam of light, bright and blinding.

"Awesome." Jenny breathes and Dawn takes a long time to agree.

*

Later, Jenny would wonder what took her so long to agree. She would ponder why the pause took years and years to slide from her lips. She would question why the dust was so thick as if it had sat on a shelf for many years.

But in that moment she didn't care. In that moment Jenny didn't even think. She just beamed and enthusiastically kissed the hesitation from Dawn's lips.

*

They don't spend days curled in bed, warm and content while they watch movie after movie. No, they walk the crowded halls of Constance together. They are subtle, careful to never reveal too much affection. They link pinkies in the halls and the contact burns Jenny's skin. If their knees bump together on the Met Steps nobody says anything. They wouldn't dare.

*

Of course Jenny never saw the odd things. The glances Dawn shot her, the hesitation, the calculating look in her blue eyes that look so much like Jenny's. Somebody that is so similar to Jenny could never betray her, right?

Wrong.

It's a quick kill, a dagger jammed not in the back but in the ribs. Dawn stabbed Jenny in the ribs because that was always where she was. Always at Jenny's side. Always, always until the queen dies. It's a rule. An unspoken one but a rule none-the-less.

At least the dagger is bejeweled. It sparkles in the light and the red of the gems look lovely against Jenny's skin. Jenny thinks she could almost believe Dawn's lies as they float like snowflakes down. Jenny even sticks her tongue out to taste them but they taste like ash.

*

That is one of the ways this story is told.

Here is another:

Dawn never loved Jenny. She enjoyed her company on most days, sure, but she never really loved Jenny. The blonde was somebody who was not enough but wanted too much. She would never stretch out past hungry eyes and ambitious words that dropped from her mouth like stones. She wanted the crown on her head, the approval in Blair's eyes, and Dawn's love. She couldn't have these at the same time. She would never have Blair's approval if she wore the crown and Dawn could never love a queen with a golden crown.

The thing is that golden crowns meant queens with poison in their heart and hatred that ran in their veins. They believed the world owed them something and they wanted that and everything. Crowns like this mean that ambition makes their heart pump. Golden crowns mean that the queen has an average beginning, a shocking beginning, and a tragic ending. That's how their story always goes and there is no preventing this. So this is why Dawn can't love Jenny. Jenny wants the world and everything in it to bow to her whims and Dawn can not love a girl like that.

So the problem isn't Jenny being a girl. It's Jenny. The problem is just Jenny Humphrey.

*

This doesn't stop Dawn from kissing Jenny or letting her trace love against her skin. It feels a bit like lying and it tastes like ash but it's manageable. Dawn will survive but Jenny's reputation won't.

*

It's easy when Dawn sees Jenny's boyfriend locking lips with another guy. Dawn quickly snaps the photo and sends it to Gossip Girl and everybody thinks it's Dan Humphrey's fault. Dawn lets them.

*

Dawn sits back and watches the empire fall. Long live Queen J.

*

Dawn bleeds a thousand and one apologizes and they drip from her lips like honey. Everything is spinning out of control but Dawn notices that Jenny's hand doesn't slip from hers. It's strange and it causes a lump to form in Dawn's throat.

*

Things don't stay good though. One morning Jenny wakes up and heads to Dawn's only to find everything gone. The brunette that Jenny loves is gone and she disappeared without a word.

Jenny rages and she pours gold into the street and then she smears blood on it. It's a statement, she thinks. It's a protest against girls with stars in their eyes and lies on their lips and Jenny burns her ashes all over again.

*

In the end everything is not quite okay but Jenny is fine with it. Jenny is fine but she isn't quite sure if she hates or loves Dawn Summers. If she does she will burn the world and if she doesn't she will rebuild her empire. Fifty-fifty shot.

It's a few months later that Jenny realizes Dawn left the same way she came. A whirlwind of something and Jenny's not quite sure what that something is.


End file.
